Breakup With Expectations and Stop Feeling Overwhelmed
A few months back, I started going to church. It was a very hectic and stressful time for me and I needed some positive energy in my life. Shortly after joining, I was invited to participate in a church group called Raising Children in Faith. The parents met for one hour via video call on Monday nights. From the get-go, I knew that participating in this group would stress my already tight schedule. I accepted the invitation despite knowing this from day one. I had essential started a relationship with expectation. Now why did I do that?!
I said “yes” because saying “no” felt awkward.
I spent the first meeting being paranoid about falling asleep on the video call and worrying about my homework assignment that was also due later that night. That was just one of many ways I found myself overcommitting to things.
In general, I think most women don’t make time for themselves because like me, they overcommit. They overcommit at work, to family, and to friends. We want to make others happy or don’t want others to be disappointed. This selfless character is highly admirable but not sustainable in the current culture we live in. Over-commitment leads to a less healthy self, both mentally and physically.
Reclaiming my TIME!
I honestly think it’s time for women to take back their lives and their personal time!
I would like to start this movement by guiding you through a simple activity to evaluate how much you have on your plate. We will then see if those commitments are feasible for your current lifestyle.
Take a few minutes to write down all your current commitments (social, family, place of employment).
Now review each item and ask yourself “is this commitment mandatory or is it optional?”
Write the answer next to each item. For me, an evidence-based research project is mandatory because it’s needed to complete my graduate school program. On the other hand, running a blog is optional because my income/degree isn’t dependent on the success or failure of my blog. The Raising Children in Faith church group is also optional because again, not participating doesn’t have any adverse impact on my life and goals.
Review your list and see if it’s feasible to resign from any “optional” activities?
In this past three months, I’ve done this exercise and decided to walk away from the church group and two work committees that were not required for my current position. Having this conversation with coworkers or friends can often be awkward. You don’t want to look like you are abandoning the “team”. I typically initiate this conversation with, “although I value this group and its goals, my participation isn’t feasible at this time”. You’ll be surprised to see how supportive and understanding others are.
Saying no to commitments to friends and family can be a little trickier, and rightfully so! We don’t want the important people in our lives to feel undervalued or unappreciated. At the same time, you want to avoid feelings of being overwhelmed.
When evaluating your list to determine if spending time with loved ones is doable. Try asking yourself these 3 questions:
1. Do I really want to go?
2. Will going help me unwind or make me feel more stressed?
3. How often do I see this person? (We may want to make more time for people we don’t see on a regular basis).
We want to keep strong relationships with our loved ones while balancing time for rest and rejuvenation!
So you’ve evaluated all of your commitments and hopefully found some activities to live without. And let's be honest, you don’t actually enjoy some of your commitments and would gladly be rid of them. Expectations from others and eagerness to please is probably how you ended up volunteering for that fundraiser. So breakup with other people’s expectations of you, breakup with being a people-pleaser, and spend the time doing things you really enjoy (like taking KB to the local town festival)! Your life will be much more satisfying.
